blargh

I’m feeling so iffy, why does this happen, when i’ve been doing so great.

I feel so unnecessary. Somebody is taking the Senior Slideshow from me, i guess mr. klopp didn’t tell anybody i was doing it, so now i get to fucking “help out”, like i need their fucking pity and they’re throwing me a bone. which they are and i’m going to take it because i need to graduate. and why would they want me when they have this straight A overachieving chick who has rich parents and a great high school transcript.

I also started to mistrust y boyfriend’s love. Like i’m usually so reluctant to accept an “i love you”, in fact they make me mad and i think it’s a lie and in my head i usually say “fuck you” when they say it. But i just wanted to accept it this once, accept a compliment, and then some misunderstanding made me mistrust and now i’m so fucking numb i don’t even know. he just kept saying the wrong thing that sounded like all the exes that changed their mind about me. he didn’t mean to though i know that but now he’s okay and he’s sure but i’m so fucking numb i don’t feel anything. i guess my defenses went up, and now it’s stupid. which sucks because today we turned five months.

i have no money for college, and no scholarships and I’m too dumb for a smart scholarship and not active enough for a volunteer scholarship and not tall enough for the tall scholarship and not short enough for the short scholarship (by two inches!) and not athletic for the athletes’ scholarship. I’m too poor to go to school but thanks to my dad having a better job this yr we’re “not poor enough” to get help and either fucking way he’s not giving me any money for it.

and i’m SO pissed off and i don’t even know why, it’s everything or it’s nothing and i’m just so so so wrong. and i’ve noticed recently just how paranoid i am…..

it just sucks right now is all.

in no particular order

• i have a laptop! courtesy of my oldest friend in the world Martin the battery dies quickly and the T um button pops off randomly but hey it was free XD except my mom insisted on paying him so we sent him 80 dollars 20 of mine so my mom paid 60 for it which really wasn’t necessary but my mom is so weird and proud and shit. now i feel like i owe her.
• I’m battling between two majors at The Art Institute! either Graphic Design or Web Design and Interactive Media, both of which are awesome professions! and it’s expensive as shit tho like 94k for the whole thing, but since my plan s to transfer over from Sacramento City College, it might be half of that but still DAYUM. argh. this is so fucking difficult.
• I’ve been with ma baby for about 5 months now it’s a really good relationship and i can say I’m very happy with him. he has hella credits to make up though so he’s leaving to one of those schools with online classes after tuesday :c and i’m going to miss him.
• i had a weird ass nightmare last night with a kind of orphanage or building in a big city and a pool with a vortex at he bottom which opened up and ate people and a sort of lesbian sexual scene in it before they both got sucked in, and a house in Mexico where the orphans were and you were trapped and tried to run, and the person i was inside of in the dream was one of he lesbians, and it was so weird and scary but i see now it just sounds like nonsense lol
• i’m terrified of eating now a little bit, i’m convinced i’ll gain 2 lbs every time i eat and get full. i try to eat the bare bare minimum and it’s kind of scary how obsessed i am with this.
• i still don’t know how moving out is going to work, i have many people who tell me i can always stay with them if things get really bad at home (Jamil, the sleepy boyfriend; Anna, the forgetful best friend; Emily, the rude and insane one; and probably more people than that)
• the tablet, which martin also gave me, so now i can design things! my own little graphic design and college starter kit
• for my Senior Project i am putting together the Senior Slideshow for graduation and for my controversial paper i will write about art and pornography and where society draws the line.
• errrrrrm i think that’s it for now.

safe to say…

Safe To Say… my wish on 11/11/11 did not come true [lol/:'c] i should have wished for something different. tooootally should have i feel so childish. i mean, what was i expecting?  i guess i really was expecting it to come true. but i also think of ALLTHEOTHERPEOPLE who also made a wish that day and mine probably got lost among all those who wished for their love back. among my friends i know i’m the only consistent wisher on that day, but i guess it’s not enough.

SPEAKING OF NOT ENOUGH, my parents will never stop demanding more of me… and on top of that i found out they will never trust me or let me be. i’m trying to enroll for advanced education and start taking college classes in January, so obviously i have to go to the school and talk to them to get the info and requirements right?  i mean DUH! but so i told my mom what i needed to do and told her i needed to stay after school to go to city college and i go, but when i get home they start yelling at me like “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!” and dad basically interrogated me asking me at what time i got there, who i talked to, so he could go check. and that pissed me off so much…. i mean FUCK i’m just trying to get into fucking college, you know?? and i’m not like a prostitute and i’m not a slut and i REALLY WASN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG. i cried like 6 times that night, out of so much anger and god i don’t even know. i wrote a really angry poem too, finally finished my poem notebook that i started on a very bad valentines day 2010… not what you would think though (like omigod he dumped me!!!! or omigodd he used me!!!!) its far worse but so i started writing that day and i’ve counted 3 nice poems in tehre, like based on love and happiness but i swear the rest are so angry or sad….. crazy. theyre’s like 140 in tehre now.

ill post that up later on, i don;t feel like getting accused of anything today.

 

wish

tomorrow is 11/11/11 and i will make a wish at 11:11 am and 11:11pm, i will wish all day for my deepest desire and i will hold myself and send out everything of myself into that wish. i will wish with everything i have. and if it won’t come true then my heart will stay the same, and if you come true then my heart will come back to life.

 

ghost*

You bring the cold air in as you

Walk through the door

Radiating ice all around you,

You’re the ghost

That brushes my skin

And turns my blood into water,

Ice water

That dances inside me

I don’t know what I can say to you

I can’t make you go away

You’re gone but you’re right

There, and I see you still,

I feel your crystallized kiss on my heart

Don’t speak to me

I don’t want to hear all the

Fairy tales you tell

I know every ending you can bring.

With you it’s all lies, death and alibis

Nothing is ever real.

We are magnets pushing

Away at each other

Though if we just turned the right way

We would fit…

But you refuse to stay.

Instead you walk,

Out the door,

And leave all the cold air inside me

*poem i wrote a few months ago, but i just recreated it and edited it. it might be better now

when did this change?

this is different from the original post format :/ i cant change size n boldness now? sadness. maybe if i click edit when I’m done?
i love it when your iPod is on shuffle and suddenly a song comes on that you don’t remember ever hearing, and it’s beautiful and like it was hiding from you only to show up at this perfect time.
the last post i did didn’t make much sense at the end because i was interrupted, my dad comes up behind me and is like WHATCHU DOIN!?!? thinking i was IMing, but i wasn’t IMing or texting anybody, i wasn’t on any porn sites, or even facebook. i was being GOOD but he like bitched out at me, i got in trouble, but i held my won i argued that his claims were ridiculous. i was so pissed that day though, i cried tears of blind rage.
but i still get to go to homecoming saturday! i just pretended i wasn’t mad for the next few days and he didn’t revoke my permission. i’m bringing one of my oldest friends (image of me walking in with an 80 year old man or something hahahahahahahaha) Alejandra and it’s going to be a blast. my last year or high school and barely my first homecoming. i want to go to the game too but i think they might say i’m pushing it :/ i’ll go to the last one of the season though for sure so i can say i’ve been at a high school football game haha. i wish i had one of those stereotypical teen-doms. with the games and the parties and the sleepovers. i never got that :/
this will contradict many things which i feel sometimes, but i want to live thousands of lives. i want to learn life inside out, and go through one like changing an outfit. i want to know of everything and have felt everything. i’ve had delusions like tahtwhere i know what something feels like or is like and i’ve never lived it, but somehow it’s like i HAVE. (i want italicization back!). i know the fear that comes from being almost killed, and i know it’s not imaginary. it’s….. weird. but i’m convinced. there have been a few things that i could have no way of knowing, feeling and living but yet it’s so present and accurate i don’t know. i think i am crazy, just a little bit.
things like what sex is like, dying, what being alone in a hidden secret room of a house and never being found, like prostitution, like being a suburban mother, or a drugged out kid on the streets, fucking EVERYTHING. i don’t want to say i have lived past lives or have a connection to everybody’s dreams, but this inspired me about a year ago to write a story about a girl who has lived everything. Zero. and i think it will turn out really fucking cool.
maybe i’m just really… insightful? but it feels like more than that. and this is just a rant, i know as i write this i want to erase half of it, i don’t want to seem so crazy or like those kids who claim they are vampires and shit. i don’t talk about it very often at all. but it’s beautiful and painful and terrifying all at once. even if i’m not right about it it gives me something to think about, and it’s great i’m all about getting mind fucked and i’m so good at it haha.
i won’t be able to move in with anna until after the summer, because she’s going to be in Russia with her mom and her sister, but it gives me time to find a job and make enought money to cushion myself. i only have to pay 100 dollars for the rent of the place but i don’t want to be scraping it together every month. i’d rather have like a little fund where i can keep like 6 months worth of rent only for rent. and it will go smoother with my family if i don’t move out AS SOON AS I CAN. maybe ease them into it, ’cause i don’t really want to piss them off. i just want to do this, i’m ready.
i’ll write more later on 7th period is over, toodle-oo! (i thinkn that’s what it is haha)

i will always be there

“Though our time alone was short I still hear the birds sing
We may never have the time to see what love to see what love can bring
Oh my love I just wanna make you mine

I recall the night we met there was music in the air
Can’t forget the warmth of your embrace
And when we danced I could feel your loving care, but you left, not a shadow not a trace.
Chorus:
And I will always be there with you every single day Even if you cannot see me I will never go astray. A love like ours can even stand the test that time will bring. So much more than a fling.

Even if you love me so I can only wait so long, time has passed and I’m starting to forget. Could it be could it be that I was wrong, Wrong about wrong about the night we met.

Repeat Chorus

Don’t think that you can treat me just like any other girl, I’ve waited for your love to take me to another world. And now I see you never cared about me in that way, our love has gone away.” (Niki Haris)

this song was in the movie Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, it was a really good movie at least i really liked it. it wasn’t very well known or famous or outstandingly brilliant, but i loved the idea of urban legends coming to life as a vendetta from her death. the spiders thing….. omigod i hella screamed.

spiders just freak me out, soooo bad. i mean i try not to kill them when i can avoid it, if i can save one and still be safe i will, ill sit there for ten minutes untangling the legs of a wet spider and take it outside. but if one is crawling on me or near me or scary looking i could even start sobbing